Taking Writing Criticism — The R.A. McCandless Way
Or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned How to Crush My Enemies, See Them Driven Before Me, and Drink Their Tears
I n light of recent events, I feel congratulations are in order for Karen Hough! She clearly read the following excellent advice and took it to heart. As a result, her book on Goodreads rose from a mere 4.5+ stars all the way up to 1.6 as of today (April 14, 2021). Well done, Lauren! In no time at all, you’ll be #1!
You’ve taken your first step into a much larger world. Reviewers have learned to fear you!
Now, dear reader, you can learn from Lauren’s example. You’ve completed your manuscript, your best friend, spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend has given you their obligatory ego-stroke, and you’re ready to experience what readers “really think”. You’ve engaged beta-readers or signed up for Critters Workshop. The future is so bright, you’ve gotta wear shades!
But, before you open that email, or login at Goodreads, you should prepare yourself . . . for your eventual fame, of course!
Here’s a step-by-step guide of how to get ready.
Step One — Drink
This is not advice. This is mandatory. Sit down with a shot glass and a bottle of something at least 80 proof. Price is no object — in that it shouldn’t inform what you buy. Remember: quantity IS quality. Divide your current age by five. Drink at least that many shots. You may always drink more, as it will help with the following steps. Crack your knuckles, stay in that chair, and fire it up! The reviews of your genius are eager for you to read them.
Step Two — Armor Up
Don’t wait. Go on the defensive immediately. A genius of your literary merit and scholarship shouldn’t have to abide by the second-guessing of lesser intellects. Helm, breastplate, greaves, shield, the whole steel cocoon! Tank-up if you have a tank. Nothing less than a Panzer though. I’m tired of seeing all those second-hand Shermans disabled by light ordinance. This is your march to the sea, and you should be merrily burning and razing until you hit the beach.
Step Three — Lash Out
Anger is not the way to the Dark Side. It’s the first, best, and only way to make a reviewer understand just what a true, bald-faced, tree-hugging, bunny-thumping, puppy-kicking, Tea Party-voting idiot he or she is. I prefer to go ballistic. A straight moon-shot of fireworks and rage leaving a fiery trail of wailing and gnashing of teeth in my wake. But don’t limit yourself. Boil over. See blood. Have a conniption. Flip-a-doodle. Redline. Whatever it takes.
Whatever. It. Takes.
Step Four — Become Vindictive
Sure, your characters may have all the depth of two-dimensional card board cutouts. Your plot may have more holes than Swiss cheese used for target practice. Your dialogue may be wooden, your grammar broken and your spelling that of a third-grader who never learned how to spell . . . but rules are made to be broken. You are JUSTIFIED in mocking a reviewers writing style, choice of phrases, height, weight, sex, race, anything really. Above all, if a reviewer didn’t instantly and immediately love and worship your work, bestowing it the 5 stars (or more) that you and I both know it deserves, stab them in the back, twist the knife, then twist again to be certain. Belittle, mock, and above all bully them. This has worked throughout history and it will work for you. Repeat if necessary.
Step Five — Go Public
Finally, it’s not enough to send a sarcastic “Thanks for nothing” email in response to a mediocre or bad review. The reviewer attacked your plot, your worldbuilding, your characters and your plot again. Get on Amazon and Facebook and Twitter and tell the world, in exacting detail why your reviewer is wrong about your writing, and exactly how low their moral character has fallen. If possible, engage the reviewer in a heated debate. Remember, the writing community is full of like-minded individuals who will definitely back your play. Go big or go home. There is no room here for middle ground.
This is the final step and it’s GO TIME! Print out this handy article, pin it to the wall, and follow step-by-step. Then sit back and watch as reviewers swoon to your might and beg for your mercy. You too can find your reviews climbing skyward to that elusive #1 rating on GoodReads and Amazon.
Go. Fight. Win! Then leave comments for me so I can bask in the glow of your incredibleness.
